Lawyer Jokes

The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.

"You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?"

The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew...

My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.

My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident."

Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.

The lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly...

Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!"

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Everybody repeat after me....
  "We are all individuals."
• Death to all fanatics!
• Guests who kill talk show hosts....
  On the last Geraldo.
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
• Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally....

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?

"Well," said the guy massaging the back, "you see I'm a chiropractor and I can't help massaging your back, in fact I can't help practicing my art".

"Are you crazy?" the other guy said, "I'm a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
→ At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human being.

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman pinscher.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
→ Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
→ Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. "I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?" Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "Let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
→ A whine cellar.

Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
→ Both have hearts like stones.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
→ If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
→ You can make a pet out of the snake.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
→ A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
→ Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" "No," he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?". Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
→ Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
→ Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
→ The vulture eventually lets go.

- Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

- Person 2: Why do you say that?

- Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
→ The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ... Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
→ Take your foot off his head?
→ No.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
→ When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
→ There was an empty seat.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
→ An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
→ From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
→ In the cemetery.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
→ A vampire only sucks blood at night.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
→ It might be your bicycle.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
→ Because deep down, they're really good people.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
→ His personality.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass.