Instrument Jokes

If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
→ The out-of-tune sax player!
You were hallucinating the other two.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
→ You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

A little monster was learning to play the violin, 'I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother.

'You should be on the radio,' said his brother.

'You think I'm that good?'

'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off!'

Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away?
→ Because it had a hole in the middle.

What do you call a horse that plays the violin?
→ Fiddler on the hoof!

Why did the angel lose her job?
→ She had harp failure.

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

What sort of violin does a ghost play?
→ A dreadivarius.