Gender Jokes

1. Don't call, ever.
2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."
3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
5. Lie.
6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
9. Lie.
10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"
12. Deny everything. Everything.
13. Don't have a clue.
14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
17. Lie.
18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."
19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.
20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.
23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
26. Lie.
27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.
29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.
31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.
32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.
35. Practice your blank stare.
36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.
38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.
39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
40. Lie.

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.

Here's one for you... what do men and linoleum have in common?
→ If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

• They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.
• A better model is just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
• It's always essential to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having one is the games you can play.
• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.
• Big power surges knock them out at night.
• Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

• They're oh so picky, picky, picky.
• They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
• Beauty is only shell deep.
• When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.
• They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
• They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
• Small talk is important.
• You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
• They make you take the garbage out.
• Miss a period and they go wild.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
→ Because they don't have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't men eat more M&M's?
→ They're too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
→ Gifted.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
→ A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
→ He's breathing.

What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
→ Who cares!!!!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What Men Know About Women

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. Men will screw anything!

How do you save a man from drowning?
→ Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know - it's never happened.

Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
→ Because they're stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ The good ones are always taken.

Why do men like love at first sight?
→ It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
→ In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
→ They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
→ All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
→ At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
→ Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
→ Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
→ Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
→ The blonde has the higher sperm count.

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!

What is the difference between a man and a carp??
→ One is a scum sucking bottom feeder, and one is a fish!!

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
→ None - it should be open when she brings it to you!