Drunks

Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train.

"The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink; Blake had a Pepsi.

Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.

"Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.

An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.

"Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you laughing?"

"They came to see me off!"

McAfee and Bracket were driving home after a big party.

"Hey," said McAfee, "be sure to watch out for that bridge that's coming down the road toward us."

"What are you telling me to 'watch out' for?" asked Brackett. "You're the one who's driving!"

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.

"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too drunk to find your keys.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"

The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

The social worker asked the bartender, "What's the difference between your job and mine?"

The bartender replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6 weeks and I learned to mix very good drinks, then wait a couple of hours to have people tell me their innermost thoughts, while you went to school for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session after session using technique after technique, and you still may never hear them!!!"