Drunks

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?
→ A new bar

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
→ Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
→ 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

What do you call an alcoholic dog?
→ A whino!

What do you call an alcoholic dog?
→ A whino!

- The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?

- Doctor: Yes, that is true.

- P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?

- D: Yes, that is also true.

- P: So, in average, I live normally.

The Doctor was puzzled. "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."