Drunks

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

- I think you've had enough, sir.

- I just lost my wife, buddy!

- Well, it must be hard losing a wife....

- It was almost impossible!

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates,
"Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."