Drunks

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
→ Eight beers.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.

The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, "You don't scare me I am married to your sister!"

3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."

The second woman said, "I blew chunks."

The third woman said, "I burned down my house." After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.

Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush.

Part A - Either Candidate

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says...

• Iran
• Iraq
• North Korea
• Afghanistan
• Sudan
• Libya
• Axis of Evil
• Gay Marriage
• United Nations
• Tax Cuts

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says...

• Saddam Hussein
• Osama Bin Ladden
• Al Qaeda
• September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center
• WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction
• Homeland Security
• Nuclear Proliferation
• If either candidate doesn't answer the question given to them
• If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light)

Part B - George W. Bush

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if George W. Bush says...

• Uhhh...
• If George Bush stutters
• Florida
• Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq
• Tony Blair
• Dick Cheney
• Terrorist or Terrorism

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush...

• Miss-pronounces "nuclear"
• Mentions a John Kerry "Flip Flop"
• Mentions anything else about John Kerry's voting record
• Says "War on Terra"
• Says "Evil-Doers"
• Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks
• Commits a "Bushism" - meaning he says something that doesn't make any sense

Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush

• Chokes on a pretzel

Part C - John Kerry

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if John Kerry says...

• [Any Number] Billion Dollars
• Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry
• Four More Years
• Anything about the economy
• No Child Left Behind
• Last Resort
• Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq
• John Edwards

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry...

• Mentions "Mission Accomplished"
• Mentions anything about Vietnam
• Mentions anything about Purple Hearts
• Mentions anything about George W. Bush's service in the National Guard
• Mentions anything about Bush administration "misjudgments"
• Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did," said Louise, "You're back at work on Monday."

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.

They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.

It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.

The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.

It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor asked.

"AFTER the police get here," replies the lawyer.

You know you have if you...

1. Notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad.
8. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
11. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
17. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.