Drunks

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

- Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

- Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

- Man: So what happened then?

- Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

- Man: and then?

- Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: So, what did you do then?

- Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: So, what did you do?

- Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask "Now what'd you go and do THAT for?" The Texan just drawled "Where I come from, we got a lot of those."

Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out "Where I come from, we've got a lot of those."

Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that. "Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottle's worth a nickel."

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, "You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one."

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!"

He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!" The genie nods and says, "You got it, boys!"

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?"

"Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers. "I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?"

"I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!"

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor."

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"

- I've been stung by a bee.

- Oh really, where?

- Between the first and second hole

- Well, first of all, your stance is too wide...

- Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

- Not really. It will just seem longer.

- Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

- You should cut down on drinks.

- I don't touch a drop.

- You should cut down on smoking.

- I don't smoke.

- You should stop taking drugs.

- I don't do drugs.

- You should cut down on womanizing.

- Haven't touched a woman in my life.

- In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"