Drunks

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

• Oops.
• Has anyone seen my watch?
• That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk!

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the "Atlantic Monthly":

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

By then, the cold is probably cured.

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.

The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?"

"Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied.

"That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband."

"That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."

So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"

His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter?" the husband cried.

"Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now...(sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply.

"Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged.

"And now, you come home drunk!!!!"

- Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?

- Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!

A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.

Finally, a friend came up to him and said, "George, I've been watching you all night, and I have to ask...what's in your shirt pocket?"

"It's a picture of my wife."

"Why do you keep looking at it?"

"Because," George replied, "When she finally starts looking good, it's time to go home."

- Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- Hubby: It's not my fault... I ran out of money!

What is the difference between men and pigs?
→ Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
→ Wear perfume that smells like beer.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
→ About 5 drinks.

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get

Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up