Doctor Jokes

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.

"Nobody" comes the reply.

"Good" says the man, "I must have escaped!"

"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!"

"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!"

A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!"

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
→ The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"
6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!"
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher. "Would you mind if I had a look at it?"

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

• 1 screw $1
• Knowing how to put it in $4999
• $5000 total

The businessman never argued.

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."

"Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.

"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."

"Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.

"But the good news," the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"