Doctor Jokes

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

• Oops.
• Has anyone seen my watch?
• That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk!

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"

The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm"

They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb."

After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!"

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.

Why? So he can make a new hole!

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."

A doctor rushed out of his study room. "Get me my bag!" he shouted. "Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty young wife.

"Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me," he gasped as he reached for his hat. The young wife sighed. "Just a moment," she said gently. "I think that call was for me."

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said.

"Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

They are:

• Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
• Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
• Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
• Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
• Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
• Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
• Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.
• Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
• Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
• Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositiories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regulary?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?"

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- Doctor: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- Lady: ?eh?

- Doctor: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- Lady: ?? EH??

- Doctor: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- Lady: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!