Doctor Jokes

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?
→ Mentally deficient.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?
→ He signs "his" name under "cause of death!"

A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."

"What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that."

"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

"Oh, I was circumsized," the man said.

"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular."

"That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?"

"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."

"Right again," the man said.

The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."

"There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."

"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner.

The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."

The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.

After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doctor, my penis has been burning lately."

And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.

"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"

"Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red."

Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40."

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.

His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?"

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue."

Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400."

"FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40."

"Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls!"