Doctor Jokes

- Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?

- Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers!

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied... "Neither did I when I was a doctor!"

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor.

"Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered."

The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive lowered??"

To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.

The doctor replied, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"

Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.

One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!"

The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
→ Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
→ She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live."

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist."

The doctor asks, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"