Doctor Jokes

There were those three guys, a priest, a doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours.

Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a lot, but being blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball, let alone finding it after it's hit.

The priest said, "Oh my this is terrible. Tonight I'll say a little prayer for these courageous souls."

The doctor heard that and said "Don't worry. I'll send them to a friend of mine, he's an ophtalmologist and he works wonders."

The engineer said "Wait. Why can't they just play at night?"

- Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

- Next time, take off the candles.

What kind of doctor does a duck visit?
→ A Ducktor.

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks.
Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well...
He'll probably die"

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

She replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably going to die."

- Witch: Doctor, doctor, I don't feel well.

- Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do?

- Hide the tiddley winks.

- Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.

- Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.

- Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head.
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I've no idea what it is."
The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom.
"I'm stumped," said the doctor, "but you can try taking these pills."
When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head.
"Ah!" said the doctor, "I know what it is. You've got a beauty spot."

- Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring.

- Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?

- Doctor: Your system needs freshening up a bit. I suggest you take a cold bath every morning.

- Patient: Oh, but I do, doctor.

- Doctor: You do?

- Patient: Yes, every morning I take a nice cold bath and fill it with nice hot water!