Doctor Jokes

- Doctor, doctor, my baby's swallowed a watch!

- Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
→ Keeps everyone away.

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
→ When you take careful aim.

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."

"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a laptop computer.

- You're just run down, let me give you some vitamins.

- No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a computer.

- My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right away!

- I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone.

- Doctor: Why's that?

- I keep getting calls in the night.