Dirty Jokes

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
→ A last name.

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.

- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...

- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.

- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...

- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.

- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.

- the monks only used to give us an apple...

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife:

- What huge buttocks!

Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife:

- Christ! What huge tits!.

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask:

- What happened? Did you put your foot in it?

- No, but I could have! - the third man replied.

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says:

- What happened to you?

The man says:

- When I was young, I had the kneesles.

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

- Hmmm, well what happened to your feet? - inquires the wife.

- When I was a young boy, I had tolio.

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies:

- Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims:

- Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says:

- honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!

The groom replies:

- I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon.

After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed sniff notices this awful smell! sniff sniff Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! sniff What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims:

- Honey, there's shit in your box!!!

Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...) The best man yells from the other room:

- Turn her over, turn her over!

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him:

- Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?

The boy replies:

- Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?

The father says:

- Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin..

The boy says:

- Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife.

The father replies:

- So what difference dis make?

To which the son says:

- Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she shore ain't good enough for ours!

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin.

- No problem - said the friend.

- Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference.

She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.

On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.

The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:

Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.

Goodbye darling.

P.S: ...

Your pussy is in the refrigerator!

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. She says:

- Honey, now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.

- This, my love, is a penis. - he told her.

- Oh! - she exclaimed.

- It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.

- Congratulations! - said the clerk looking at the bride.

- Would you like the bridal then?

- No thanks - said the woman.

- I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!