Dirty Jokes

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says:

- You are a terrible lover!

The man replies:

- How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband:

- That's happiness! That's happiness!

But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him:

- That's a penis?! That's a penis?!

- How much for the room?

- Twenty dollars apiece.

- Okay. Here's $140.

A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said:

- When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you.

- Faith, I thought as much - said the cunning lady.

- but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

- So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?

- Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking.

- Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore...

A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight.

The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said:

- Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?

His bride replied:

- You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!

- It's just to hot to wear clothes today - said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

- Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

- Probably that I married you for your money.

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife:

- What the hell happened?

- As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss - replied the wife.

- Piss on him - answered the husband.

- You did - said the wife, and he fired you.

- Well, fuck him - said the husband.

- I did, and you go back to work in the morning!

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.

- Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

- Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

- Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife...she goes wild!

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Emersom.

- Emersom who?

- Emersom nice boobs ya got there!