Dirty Jokes

Random joke from this category

Pervert

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks:

- What do you see?

The patient replies:

- Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks:

- What do you see?

Patient answers:

- Two people are having sex in a square room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks:

- What do you see now?

Patient replies:

- Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?

Off to Barcelona

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises:

- Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo...

- What are you doing? - enquires the doctor.

- I'm taking a train down to Barcelona - replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

- And what are you doing? - asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

- Well - pants the man - While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!

Nutty Problem

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks:

- What are you doing?

She replies:

- I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.

- Wow, that's wonderful.

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him:

- What are you doing?

- I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out.

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed:

- My God what are you doing?

The man replied:

- I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!

The Bartender's Brother

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out:

- You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you...

The man begins crying:

- I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me...

The bar tender takes pity:

- Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says:

- Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..

- Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.

- Well, that's great. This beer is on the house.

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

- You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!

- I am! It doesn't bother me anymore...

The Proposition

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice, she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me!

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked for the time, miss.

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked:

- I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!

Too Many Pills

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says:

- Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?

- Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?

- Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'

Taking Temperature

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

- This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor - he said - Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.

- We'll see - the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

- Doctor, what are you doing?!? - he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied:

- Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve.

- Well, doc - he said - when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!

Killing Your Wife

A guy went to his doctor full of anger.

- Doc - he said - I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.

The doctor thought for a moment.

- Look - he said - here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.

- Wonderful, doc - said the grateful patient.

- I'll start with this right away.

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

- What happened? - asked the doctor.

- What happened to your wife?

- Don't worry, doc - the patient reassured him - two more days and she'll be dead.

Worried Mother

- I'm worried - said the woman to her sex therapist.

- I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies.

- That's not unusual - smiled the therapist.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

- But I am worried, doctor - insisted the woman - and so is my daughter's husband!