Dirty Jokes

Theres an old man laying on the beach naked and a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that. the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing around it is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around him he asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you went to sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at, eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son."

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A little girl asked Santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother.

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love, Santa

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
→ Because she didn't know which one came first!

How can you confuse a blonde?
→ Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
→ Nothing, they never met.

Why did God create blondes?
→ Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.

Why did God create brunettes?
→ Because the blondes couldn't manage it either.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A Golden retriever!

What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
→ Change!

Why do blondes take the pill?
→ So they know which day of the week it is.

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
→ Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted.

Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
→ They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
→ They both have a black box.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
→ She threw out all the W's

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Are you boys all in the same band?"

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
→ Because everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
→ Because she's been laid all over the country.

What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
→ Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
→ She drops her nail-file

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
→ A wine cellar.

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
→ Peroxide.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wriggle when you eat them.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
→ An IN-body experience!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Why don't blondes eat Jello?
→ They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
→ They can't find the zipper.

What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
→ They chip their teeth.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
→ Cause their balls show!

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
→ It's the only car name they can spell.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
→ An interpreter.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
→ A mental block.

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces herself.

How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
→ Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
→ She fell out of the tree.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
→ Locking the car door.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
→ Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
→ Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
→ After a dye job.

Why did God create blondes?
→ Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
→ So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
→ She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch everything that goes over their heads.

What's a blonde's favorite wine?
→ "Daddy! can I go to Miami!"

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Blow in her ear.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ There are some things even a blonde won't do.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
→ She moved.

Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
→ You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

Why do blondes have square breasts?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
→ You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Why can't blondes count to 70?
→ Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
→ Some traffic signs say stop.

What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
→ "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
→ The noise gave her a headache.

What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
→ Not everyone has been in a 747.

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Thanks, guys!"