Dirty Jokes

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking.

"Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off."

"No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins."

So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom.

"Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once.

"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory."

"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married."

"Then how do you account for all of these things?"

"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?"

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of the principal."

"Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?"

"I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.

This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work.

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.

When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
→ We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.

"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."

The Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers.

"Now that's entirely false." she cried. "I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice."