Dirty Jokes

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

What do you call a blonde with white eyes?full up......

Sent by Rob

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S??

K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude willget you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

Now I understand what marketing is:You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,...."

My lawyer."

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just takento work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like youwouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is veryefficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closedher eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Telegram received from ex-employee:"Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow."

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
→ A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breathe normally."