Dirty Jokes

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!!!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No, - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- One penny?!

The barman replied:

- Yes.

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?

- Certainly sir, but all that comes to real money.

- How much money?

- Four cents.

- Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?

- Upstairs with my wife.

- What's he doing with your wife?

- Same as what I'm doing to his business.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage.

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? - they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl:

- I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says:

- Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.

Earl says:

- You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says:

- I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!

Chester says:

- Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says:

- This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says:

- Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

- Show the lady your finest mink! - the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers:

- Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

- No problem! I'll write you a check!

- Very good, sir. - says the shop owner:

- Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:

- How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!

- I just had to come by - grinned the guy:

- to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

- That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits - he said:

- Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

- Hey - the husband said:

- let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does.

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

- Now - said the husband with an evil smile:

- tell HIM you have a headache!

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her:

- Do you want them mounted?

Blushing, she said:

- No. Holding hands will be fine.

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says:

- Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk:

- Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun - the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says:

- Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says:

- SHHHH, they're getting closer...

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

- Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant? - he asked.

- That's the elephant's trunk, dear - she replied.

- No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs? - asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied:

- Oh, it's nothing, son.

She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked:

- Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?

- That's the elephant's penis, son - explained the father.

- Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her? - the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied:

- I've spoiled that woman, son!