Dirty Jokes

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says:

- So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

- You're on - he said.

- and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

- Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.

Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed.

the next morning the twins got up.

- What do you want for breakfast? - asked there dad, to which one of the twins replied:

- i'll have some of those fucken thanks.

His dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed.

- Now what do you want for breakfast? - the dad asked the other twin.

- Well i won't have any of those fucken thats for sure - the twin replied.

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

- Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over - said Jim-Bob.

The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said:

- Nope, dat ain't Bubba.

Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body.

- Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over - said Billy-Joe.

The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said:

- Dat ain't Bubba.

- How can you tell? - asked the mortician.

- Cause Bubba had two assholes - replied Billy-Joe.

- Two assholes? That's impossible! - said the mortician.

- Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:

- Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever.

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks:

- What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says:

- Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.'
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

- I sure do - he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

- Wow! - said his friend - Where did you get that monster lighter?

- I got it from my genie.

- You have a genie?

- Yes, right here in my golf bag.

- Could I see him?

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie:

- Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?

- Yes I will - the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner:

- I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!

He answers:

- I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?

A woman went in to see a therapist and said:

- I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell.

- My dear - the doctor said:

- that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.

- The problem is - she complained:

- he keeps waking me up!

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him:

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

The bloke behind tells him:

- Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art.

- Are you crazy? - says the bloke in front:

- I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband:

- Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.

- What? - said the puzzled groom.

- How can that be if you've been married ten times?

- Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!

- Good, - said the new husband, - but, why?

- You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!