Dirty Jokes

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

- Care to go upstairs and do it? - the husband asked.

- Shh! - said the bride

- All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks:

- I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

- No, I definitely shut it - replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said:

- I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

- No, thanks - said the husband.

- It was only a small load so I did it by hand.

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?
→ Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.

Airport immigration......

NAME: Muhammed al Facid
SEX: Yes 3 times a week.
NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE: Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him:

- inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one.

Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him.....

- what happened? - Mark asks shakily.

- Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital.

- Why do my privates hurt so bad? - Mark asked anxiously.

John replies:

- Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

- It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours - Clem recalled.

- That sounds wonderful - said Jed.

- Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaa...

Two tampons were crossing the street. They see a friend. Which one waves?
→ Neither, they are both stuck up cunts.

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...

Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

- billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

- billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

- billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

- billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

- billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

- billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

- billi-jo: wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

- billy-bob: i know...:> and thats not my finger!! :>

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one:

- Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?

So the first man replies:

- Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.

- That sounds like a pretty bad day to me - said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

- It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

- Picture this - says the third man.

- I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying ", House of Prostitution, 10 miles". Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles." Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit".

His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent. He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers:

- I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?

The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room. He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun. He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the .".