Dirty Jokes

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

- She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

- She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

- She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

- She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

- She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says:

- I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

- Don't worry - he says:

- I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

- Who is the third rose from? - she asked.

- Oh - says the doctor:

- that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.

10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
11. Whew.....that's one terrific spread!
12. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
13. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
14. Talk about a huge breast!
15. "And he forces his way into the end zone"
16. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
17. It's cool whip time!!
18. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
19. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him:

- Charlie, what are you doing?

Charlie replied:

- Driving to Chicago!

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks:

- Well Charlie, how are you doing?

Charlie says:

- I just got into Chicago.

- Great - replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks:

- Bob, what are you doing?!

Bob says:

- I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

- The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

- If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

- Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

- If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

- Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

- God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. — The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. — Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

- A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. — Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

- Watch out for gay limbo dancers. — Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

- Express Lane: Five beers or less. — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

- You're too good for him. — Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- No wonder you always go home alone. — Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. — Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

One day, a man complained to his friend:

- My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in this sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

Things Men Should "Never" Say After Sex:

1. "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2. "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3. "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4. "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5. "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6. (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7. (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8. "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9. "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10. "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11. "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12. "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13. "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14. "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15. "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16. "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17. "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18. "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him:

- Are you a real cowboy?

- Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am - replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

- I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women - told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked:

- Are you a real cowboy?

- Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself:

- I'd give anything to sink this next putt.

A stranger walks up to him and whispers:

- Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself:

- Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.

The same stranger moves to his side and says:

- Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says:

- Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says:

- You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.

- Nice to meet you - says the golfer.

- My name's...

- Father O'Malley!