Dirty Jokes

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down:

- honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!

What does a nun wear on a date?
→ A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says:

- ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

Wee jordy says:

- aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says:

- i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss.

- well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

- ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me.

He says:

- aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

"No!" she says...

- by the tilt in your kilt!

What is 6 inches long.....
Has a big head....
Woman love it?????
→ A $100 dollar bill!

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Your Momma is so ugly that any position is doggy style.

What is the newest game at the white house?
→ Swallowing the leader!

We have all heard of the ten commandments.

Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.

"Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff."

What's the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?
→ He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!