Random joke from this category
Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't...
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
How is a blonde and a screen door alike?
→ The harder you bang them the looser they get.
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said:
- Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin.
The doctor checks her out and says:
- I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:
- I wish you had a flashlight.
He says:
- Why's that?
She says:
- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
- Well - she said.
- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.
- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.
- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.
A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?
The father replies:
- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.
The boy goes and asks his mother:
- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?
The mother replies:
- Hell yes I would!
The little boy returns to his father:
- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'
The father then says:
- Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.
The boy asks his sister:
- Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?
The sister replies:
- Hell yes I would!
He returns to his father:
- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'
The father answers:
- Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.
The wive says:
- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.
So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:
- your dick tastes like shit!
The guy says:
- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.
A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.
He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.
- Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon. - says the little boy.
- Sonny, I think you're a little young for that. - replies the madam.
The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.
- One lady coming up. - says the madam.
- And I want her to have herpes - says the little boy.
- Why on earth would you want that? - asked the madam, and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean.
The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.
- One dirty girl, coming up - she says.
The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says:
- Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?
The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says:
- It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
- Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.
- Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.
- Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!
Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
→ It's like a French kiss, but down under.
