Dirty Jokes

This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no. The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks:

- Well isn't there anything that you can give me?

The bartender says:

- I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says:

- Sure I can talk!

The guy thinks for a second and then says:

- I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.

The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

- Parrot: Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!

- Man: Then what happened after that?

- Parrot: They started taking each other's clothes off.

- Man: And then what? (getting more angry)

- Parrot: Your wife started jacking him off!

- Man: What next? (really steamed by this time)

- Parrot: She started giving him a blow job!

- Man: And what then, did they do anything else?

- Parrot: I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!

Why did God give woman nipples?
→ To make suckers out of men.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
→ A snowman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her breasts!

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?
→ Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
→ Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:
→ A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
→ Her husband wakes up.

The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he finally came over to our table and said:

- I am Polish and I can take a Polish joke as well as the next Polack, but your continued bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject?

We did.

Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and the burly Polack got up and followed him into the bathroom.

They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my friend:

- What happened in there?

He said:

- Well, you saw him follow me into the can.......

- Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME!

- Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN!

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it?
→ Money!!!

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
→ She gets her ass chewed out.

Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?
→ Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!