Dirty Jokes

Random joke from this category

Texan Heimlich Maneuver

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.

The first Texan said to the other:

- Think we oughtta help?

- Yep, reckon so - says the second.

The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks:

- Can you breathe?

- no - she shakes her head.

- Can you speak? - he then asks.

- no - she shakes her head, again.

With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.

She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.

The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile:

- Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!

Strange Sex Laws

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.

Penis Tax

New IRS Tax Policy
GOVERNMENT NOTICE
January 1, 1995
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to it's size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

  • 12-10 inches -- Luxury Tax -- $50.00
  • 10-8 inches -- Pole Tax -- $30.00
  • 8-6 inches -- Privilege Tax -- $15.00
  • 6-4 inches -- Nuisance Tax -- $5.00

Please Note:

  • Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
  • Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services

Fart Horoscope

Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are.

  1. AMBITIOUS - Always ready for a fart.
  2. LAZY - Just fizzles
  3. AMIABLE - Likes to smell others farts
  4. SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling own farts
  5. CARELESS - Farts in church
  6. SMART ALEC - Farts when ladies are present.
  7. CLEVER - Farts and coughs at same time
  8. SCIENTIFIC - Bottles own farts
  9. STINGY - Belches instead of farting to save asshole
  10. FOOLISH - Farts and laughs.
  11. SHY - Blushes even when farts silently.
  12. CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart loudest.
  13. UNLUCKY - Tries to fart and shits pants.
  14. TIMID - Jumps when farting.
  15. BEWILDERED - can't tell own farts from others.
  16. SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles, rots pants.
  17. NERVOUS - Stops in middle of fart.
  18. MISERABLE - Can't fart
  19. CONFUSED - Face looks so much like ass, Farts don't know where to go.
  20. GROUCH - Grumbles when ladies fart.
  21. SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog.
  22. DISAPPOINTED - Their farts don't stink.
  23. FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you and farts.
  24. BIG BULLY - Farts louder than everyone else.
  25. DELUDED - Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own.
  26. CUTE - Discovers from farts what others have eaten.
  27. WISE - Farts and say's "Who in hell shit ??"
  28. DAMNED MEAN - Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head.
  29. MUSICAL - Tenor or bass
    Clear as a bell
    Smells like shit
    Sounds like hell.
  30. HONEST - Farts and blames in on the hostess.
  31. LIVELY - Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously.

Adjustable Face Lift

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied:

- Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!

Fishing Trip

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)

- Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks:

- Who was that?

- Oh - she replies.

- That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.

Clinton's Clock

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom:

- Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock.

Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around.

- Where's the clock sir? - she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants.

- That's not a clock Mr. Clinton ! - she exclaimed.

- It will be - he replied.

- Once you put two hands and a face on it !.

The Parrots

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

One male parrot said to the other:

- Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!

Priest and Rabbi on a Train

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

- Better than pork, isn't it?