Christmas Jokes

Did you ever hear about Blitzen the Brown nosed reindeer?
→ He is twice as fast as Rudolf but doesn't stop as quick!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked...

"So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

Santa, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde ran a race. Who won?
→ Santa flys, not runs, there aren't any smart blondes, so the dumb blonde it must be!

What does an army general kiss under at christmas?
→ Missile toe

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"

Why are sheep always in a field?
→ Because they can't get out !

Who gives my cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!

Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Claws!

What did the hat say to the scarf?
→ You hang around while i go ahead!

Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
→ Snowballs!

What did mary say to santa during the storm?
→ Look at that rain, dear!

Where do plumbers buy there presents?
→ Bath!

Why is it best to park your car near the moon?
→ Because there is a lot of space!

What is the use of reindeer?
→ It makes the garden grow sweetie!

How many legs does rudolph have?
→ Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!

What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini?
→ Squash!

Why did the reindeer take his nose apart?
→ To see what made it run!

What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail?
→ Reg!

Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer?
→ No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deer

Why do reindeers have wrinkled ankles?
→ Because they lace there boot too tight!

What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas?
→ A herring aid!

Whats the worst thing to get for christmas?
→ Measles!

Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present?
→ Leeds!

Where does noddy do his christmas shopping?
→ Redcar!

Where does the queen do her christmas shopping?
→ Newcastle!

What happens if you get too hot at a football match?
→ Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.

If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel?
→ It's a matter of a pinion!

It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as [blank] [blank].
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of [blank] [blank].
3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a [blank] [blank].
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? [blank], [blank], [blank]
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. [blank], [blank]
6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on [blank] [blank].
7. A holy man bereft of change could be called [blank] [blank].
8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a [blank] [blank].
9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a [blank] [blank].
10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get [blank] [blank].
11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called [blank] [blank].
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a [blank].
13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as [blank] [blank].
14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? [blank] [blank].

Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers

1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, (no L)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!

• Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
• Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
• Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
• Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses
• Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire
• Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me
• Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why
• Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely
• Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
• Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me... (And Then Took it All Away)

Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree:

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
11. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
12. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
13. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
14. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
15. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
16. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
17. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
18. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
19. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.

As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.

He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.

Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?" Hence...the story of the Angel atop the tree.