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Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested at the airport for drug smuggling?
→ It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack....

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What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

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  • "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone
  • "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin
  • "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris
  • "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel
  • "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison
  • "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone
  • "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
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Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife."

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.

The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat."

Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have any."

James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."

(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"

Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe, but not in the House."

Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000."

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

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