Celebrities

There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.

Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.

Elle put on more make-up saying, "They always rescued the beautiful ones first".

Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, "They would rescue the richest one first", upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying "You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box"!

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy

I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts

10. Every night, his forecast is: "It's raining men, hallelujah!"
11. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
12. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
13. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
14. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
15. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
16. Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!"
17. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
18. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)
19. He's got a tropical storm in his pants.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin Franklin

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce Friedman

Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe

Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said, "George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe!" - Graham

If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn

Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver Herford

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. Knowles

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich Little

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - Rogers

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard Shaw

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said, "NO! Then he would be the president of United States"

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
11. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
12. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
13. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
14. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
15. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
16. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
17. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
18. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
19. Richard Simmons never follows you home.