Celebrities

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

President Clinton was seen walking around the White House one day recently. Laying across one shoulder was a pair of ladies nylon panties.

Nervously one White House Aide approach the President and asked about the panties.

"Oh those," Replied the President, "I'm trying to quit. That's the patch."

Stallone, Tony Danza, and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.

Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says "I'll be Bach!"

What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?
→ They all killed the Browns!

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary, "I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane."

Hillary says, "Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane."

Chelsea says, "I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one. "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?"

"My wife," said the other with a heavy sigh!

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked.

"A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?"

"Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before."

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
11. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
12. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
13. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
14. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
15. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
16. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
17. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
18. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
19. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
11. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
12. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?"
13. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh".
14. There's a two drink minimum.
15. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
16. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
17. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
18. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else.
19. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.