Blonde Jokes

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

How do blondes get pregnant?
→ And you thought blondes were dumb.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
→ The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.

What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
→ Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why do Blondes take the pill?
→ So they know what day of the week it is.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
→ Because it kept falling out.

But why do brunettes take the pill?
→ Wishful Thinking.

Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
→ Because her boyfriend was also blond!

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
→ The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
→ Her IQ goes up!

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
→ A blonde parade.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
→ You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
→ Butter is difficult to spread.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
→ You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
→ There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.

What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
→ They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
→ Bigfoot has been spotted.

What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
→ It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?
→ The blonde has the higher sperm count.

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
→ Not everybody has been in a limo.

What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
→ One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
→ You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
→ Your job still sucks after 6 months.

What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
→ You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
→ The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?
→ One's a busy ditch.

What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
→ A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
→ In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
→ Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
→ They both get easier to pick-up with age.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
→ The cow fell on her.

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
→ The more you bang it the looser it gets.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
→ They both wriggle when you eat them.

What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
→ They both have black roots.

What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
→ Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.

Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
→ So she could lip read.

How do you drown a blond?
→ Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Don't tell her to swallow.

Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool?
→ Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
→ Too many blondes were drowning.

Why do blonds have square boobs?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
→ 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
→ Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
→ The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
→ Proofreading.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
→ For throwing out the W's.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
→ The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
→ They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date?
→ If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

What's the Blonde's cheer?
→ "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She kept having affairs with men!

What does a blonde owl say?
→ What, what?

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
→ She threw it off a cliff.

How does a blonde kill a fish?
→ She drowns it.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
→ Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
→ "Nice tits!"

How does a blonde high-5?
→ She smacks herself in the forehead.

161. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
     → Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
162. Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
     → Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
163. Why do blondes have legs?
     → So they don't get stuck to the ground.
     → To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
     → So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
164. Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
     → It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
165. What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
     → The Blonde!
166. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
     → Flattered.
167. Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
     → They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
168. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater?
     → They went to see "Closed for the Season"
169. What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
     → 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
170. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     → An interpreter.
171. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     → A mental block.
172. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     → A wind tunnel.
173. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
     → An air mattress.
174. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
     → A dope ring.
175. What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
     → Sweet Fuck All...
176. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
     → Frosted Flakes.
177. What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
     → Air bubbles.
178. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
     → Frosted Flakes.
179. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
     → Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
180. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
     → A Space Invader.

181. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     → Branch Manager.
182. How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     → She fell out of the tree.
183. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
     → Wave at her.
184. What do you call a smart blond?
     → A golden retriever.
185. How do you check a blonde's IQ?
     → With a tire gauge.
186. How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
     → A 69 interrupted by a period.
187. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     → "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
188. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
     → They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
189. Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow?
     → So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
     → So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
190. Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?
     → Because the can't even keep two calves together!
191. Why don't blonds breast feed?
     → Because they always burn their nipples.
192. How did the blonde burn her nose?
     → Bobbing for french fries.
193. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
     → To cover up the valve stem.
194. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     → Spot.
195. What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     → Air Supply.
196. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     → The back of her head.
197. Why do blondes drive VW's?
     → Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
198. How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
     → Tell them a joke on Friday night!
199. Why did God create blondes?
     → Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
200. Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
     → So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
     → So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

201. What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
     → A blond electrician
202. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
     → So brunettes can remember them.
     → Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
203. Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde????
     → She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
204. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     → Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
205. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
     → A thought.
206. Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
     → Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
207. Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
     → She realized she gave her last blowjob.
208. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
     → She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
209. Why did they call the blond twinkie?
     → She liked to be filled with cream.
210. What did the blonde do when she got her period?
     → Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
211. Why do blondes have periods?
     → They deserve them
212. What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     → "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
213. Why are blondes like cornflakes?
     → Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
214. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
     → You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
215. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
     → Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
216. How does a blonde hold her liquor?
     → By the ears.
217. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
     → Change.
218. How does a blonde moonwalk?
     → She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
219. What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
     → A brain tumor.
220. Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
     → Because you don't have to marry them for sex!

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
     → Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
222. Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
     On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop: Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
     "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it."
     "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?"
     "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
     "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
     Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
     Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!
     Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
     Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
     Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
     Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
     Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
     Blonde: Yes.
     Operator: The power in the house in on?
     Blonde: Of course.
     Operator: And the switch is on?
     Blonde: Yes, yes.
     Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
     Blonde: No, it's working fine.
     Operator: Then what's the problem?
     Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
232. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.
233. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
234. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
235. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
236. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
237. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
238. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
     Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
     Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
239. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
240. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender...

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7