Animal Jokes

How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
→ Put a pile of manure in the living room!

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
→ The one in the sugar bowl!

How do fireflies start a race?
→ Ready steady glow!

What did the clean dog say to the insect?
→ Long time no flea!

Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
→ Robert E Flea!

What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
→ Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

What do you call a cheerful flea?
→ A hop-timist!

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
→ Shot it!

What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
→ Shall we walk home or take a dog?

What did the romantic flea say?
→ I love you aw-flea!

How to fleas travel?
→ Itch hiking!

What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
→ Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!

Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
→ To hide his flea collar!

What is the most faithful insect?
→ A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!

What insect runs away from everything?
→ A flee!

What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
→ One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!

What to you call a Russian flea?
→ A Moscow-ito!

Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?
"Why are we running so fast?" said one
→ Because it says "Tear along the dotted line"

What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
→ A space invader!

What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
→ Bugs Bunny!

How do you start an insect race?
→ One, two, flea - go!

How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
→ Start from scratch!

What is a flea's favorite book?
→ The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!

Why are gold fish orange?
→ The water makes them rusty!

Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
→ Squidnappers!

What part of a fish weighs the most?
→ It's scales!

What fish do road-menders use?
→ Pneumatic krill!

What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
→ They go sharkers!

What game do fish like playing the most?
→ Name that tuna!

What do naked fish play with?
→ Bare-a-cudas!

What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
→ An electric shark!

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
→ Jack the kipper!

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
→ Whale of fortune!

What kind of money do fishermen make?
→ Net profits!

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?
→ Birdsthigh fish fingers!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
→ A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)

What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
→ Jellyfish!

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
→ 'Your plaice or mine'!

Where does seaweed look for a job?
→ In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!

Why is a fish easy to weigh?
→ Because it has its own scales!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
→ Because they have electric 'eels!

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
→ Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

To whom do fish go to borrow money?
→ The loan shark!

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?
→ A flat fish!

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
→ A beer-a-cuda!

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?
→ Billy the Squid!

What happened to the cold jellyfish?
→ It set!

What's the coldest fish in the sea?
→ A blue whale!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
→ A can of people!

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
→ You can't tuna fish!

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?
→ Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!

How do the fish get to school?
→ By octobus!

Why did the lobster blush?
→ Because the sea weed!

Where are most fish found?
→ Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
→ A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
→ Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
→ Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
→ On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
→ Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
→ The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
→ A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
→ Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
→ I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
→ To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
→ The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
→ He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?
→ In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?
→ A starfish!

How do fish go into business?
→ The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
→ Angelfish!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
→ Drop it a line!

Where do you weigh whales?
→ At a whale weigh station!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
→ A seahorse!