Newest jokes

Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
→ Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you... swear you'll never do it again.

A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.

The bride rolled over and said:

- That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?

The husband replied:

- Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.

- That's nice honey - she replied,

- What did it look like after you rooted it?

- Like a bulldog eating porridge - the husband replied.

A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently.

- That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one.

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"

- Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . .

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.

She says:

- That's it! That's it!

He says:

- It can't be. I part mine on the side.

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says:

- All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex.

The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back:

- Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?

Johnny says:

- Seventy-three.

The teacher says:

- Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good...

She calls on Becky in the front and says:

- All right, Becky, how about you?

Becky says:

- Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl.

Johnny yells:

- Seventy-four.

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.

Jake says:

- Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her.

The bartender says:

- Why did it take three sons to get you off?

Jake says:

- I fought 'em.

A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blowjob.

- Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to Cardozo High School in Detroit?

- Yes. How'd you know?

- I never forget a face.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Whats long, hard and full of semen??
→ A submarine.

One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.

She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.

He glanced through the mail and said to his wife:

- Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?