Newest jokes

Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said:

- Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says:

- Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!

The woman says:

- Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says:

- Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'.

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies:

- In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'.