Newest jokes

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:

- No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!

- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.

- Hold the club gently - the pro replied - just like you'd hold your wife's breast.

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.

- What can I do? - asks the wife.

- Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

- That was great - the pro says with a straight face.

- Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.

- That's thoughtful, darling - she cooed - but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes.

Do you know why single women can't fart?
→ Because, they don't get assholes untill they get married.

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said:

- Dad look what I made.

So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said:

- I only asked for a convertable.

The dad replied:

- the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men: a woman.

Why did God create man first?
→ So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, "Are you my dad?". The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby pops right back inside. "Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. "Are you my dad?", asks the baby. "No, I am your doctor.", he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Moments later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger--"How do you like that?"

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"