Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
Guess what? You're pregnant!
The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him.
- Do you have something in mind? - she asked.
- I certainly do, ma'am - the American emphatically replied - That's why I want a nice gift.
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man:
- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife
A look of shock comes over the man's face. He says:
- I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job
- No, you're not - agree the agents - You're free to go.
They bring the second man to the door and say:
- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife
The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down his face.
- I tried - he says - but I just couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife
The agents let him leave.
They bring the woman to the door and say:
- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your husband
She takes the gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13 rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at both agents, wipes her brow and says:
- Whew! You guys didn't tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"
Two wives were airing their troubles:
- I'd like to get a divorce - said the first.
- My husband and I just don't get along.
- Why don't you sue him for incompatibility? - asked the second.
- I would if I could catch him at it - replied the first.
- Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
- Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed:
- Come and bury my wife.
- But I buried your wife ten years ago - replied the undertaker.
- I got married again - the man sobbed.
- Oh - said the undertaker.
- Congratulations.
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
- What would you like to do next? - he asked.
- I wanna be weighed - she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
- One-twelve - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
- I wanna be weighed - she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked:
- What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?
- Wousy - said the girl.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says:
- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.
The doc said:
- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says:
- You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says:
- Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!
