Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks:
- Where ya going boy?
The son smiled and replied:
- I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue.
The Father said:
- When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern.
- Sure Pa, I know. - the boy said.
- And look what you got!
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said:
- But enough about me. Let's talk about you.
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on:
- What do you think about me?
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says:
- Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.
- Good idea - she says.
- While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine.
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk:
- I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.
"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"
But this isn't an engagement ring. - the young lady protested.
- Why it's just a tiny unset diamond.
Yeah! I know. - said the fellow.
- And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are.
AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:
- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder.
- Woman: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder... I'll sleep with you.
- Guy: An alligator?
- Woman: Close enough
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged.
- and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.
- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded.
- and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:
- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?
- Once - he replied.
- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.
- And what did she say to you this morning?
- Don't stop.
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said.
- but what's the dollar for?
- Well - she said.
- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
