Newest jokes

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said:

- I want to know the person you hate the most

The explorer said:

- That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?

- I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.

- OK, I wish for a billion dollars

- Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion

- I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything

- Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish

The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said:

- Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death.

What's the penalty for bigamy?
→ Two mothers-in-law

If at first you don't succeed...
buy her another drink

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says:

- Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.

His wife say:

- That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?

He says:

- I don't care, just be gone when I get home.

- Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?

- Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.

- That's easy - said the fellow.

- My wife told me to stand here!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular:

- I guess we answered that question.

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

- Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

- Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

- Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

- Father: Then why are telling me all this?

- Man: I am telling everybody ...

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up?
→ He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.