Newest jokes

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

- First - said the playboy - I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.

- Oh no you're not - said the girl.

- Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.

- Oh no you're not.

- Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.

- Oh no you're not.

- Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you.

- Oh no you're not.

- And I'm not going to wear a condom either! - said the guy.

- Oh yes you are! - said the girl.

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house,
He come to house.

He and she leave house,
I follow.

He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.

He kiss she,
she kiss he.

He strip she,
she strip he.

I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,
Chen Lee

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend?
→ Let everyone go first!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

- Olympic condoms? - she blurts - What makes them so special?

- There are three colors - he explains - gold, silver and bronze.

- So what color are you gonna wear tonight? - she asks with a grin.

- Gold of course - says the proud man.

The wife responds:

- Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!

When is premature ejaculation a serious problem?
→ When it occurs between "hello" and "what's your sign?"

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties:

- After all, dear - she said to her husband - you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?

- No - her husband replied.

- Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says:

- I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!

The Madam is astonished:

- But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.

The trucker replies:

- Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick.

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"