Newest jokes

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says:

- I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says:

- My dad says he will marry my mum next year.

Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says:

- My old man will never ever marry my mum.

The Nun looks up from her food and says:

- Would one of you bastards please pass the salt.

God, I was wondering... how long is a million years to you?

God answered:

- Son, a million years to me is like a second to you.

So the man asks:

- God how much is a million dollars to you?

And God answered:

- Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you.

So the man asks:

- God, can I have one of your pennies?

And God answers:

- Just a second son.

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says:

- Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?

- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.

- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?

- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.

- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?

- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.

- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers:

- What happened?!

- Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads.

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.

He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him:

- Young man, you're much too young to smoke!

The kid looks up at the Pope and says:

- Fuck you!

The Pope is completely taken aback.

- What? - he says.

- You say that to me, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for millions of people, young man, the representative of God, and you dare to say that to me? No, no, no, kid, fuck YOU!

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls:

- Before entering you must answer this simple question.

- Which is ...? - they replied in unison.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the first girl.

- Oh yes - she said.

- I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... the golden key.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the second girl.

- Oh, quite good - she said.

- I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... the silver key.

- Have you been a good girl? - he asked the third girl.

- Oh no, not at all - she said.

- I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.

- Very good - said St. Peter.

- Angel, give this girl ... my room key.

A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him:

- What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up.

- *A*unt, your Holiness.

The Pope didn't speak for a second.

- Oh.

He paused.

- Do you have an eraser?

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

- Quick, quick! - shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

- What should we do?

- Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination - says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

- What shall I do now? - she shouts.

- Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican - replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

- Now what? - shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

- Show him your cross - says Sister Mary Vincent.

- Now you're talking - says Sister Mary Agnes.

She then opens the window and shouts:

- Get the fuck off our car!