Newest jokes

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said:

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said:

- And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said:

- And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:

- For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said:

- I give ten dollars.

Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly:

- I give a thousand dollars!

The minister said:

- Lord, hit him again!

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away." Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him:

- You need to join the Army of the Lord!

The man replied:

- I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned:

- How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back:

- Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service.

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

- Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?

- Bernie: The dog came here to pray.

- Rabbi: Oh, come on.

- Bernie: YES!

- Rabbi: I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple.

- Bernie: Its true!..

- Rabbi: Ok, then show me what the dog can do.

- OK - says Bernie nodding to the dog...

The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie:

- Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says:

- YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses says "Yeah sure." So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?" and Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, "Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.

"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside.

- Do you believe that? - The workman exclaimed.

"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house.

- Ah, what a pity - the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a headcovering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says:

- Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse.

- But Father, I have a divine right - she informs.

- Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church! - he insists.