Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other:
- Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse.
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
- That's okay - the blonde replied,
- If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car.
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.
- I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple - the man says.
The woman replies:
- No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up.
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
- There might be some matches in the top drawer - she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry.
- Is this your husband? - he inquires nervously.
- No, silly - she replies, snuggling up to him.
- Your boyfriend then?
- No, don't be daft - she says, nibbling away at his ear.
- Well, who is he then? - demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies:
- That's me before the operation.
A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.
He stops, turns around and shouts:
- Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!
Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.
As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says:
- Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?
The barber says:
- Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.
The barber says:
- What are you doing?
Cronin says:
- Well, fuck, I'm leaving now.
The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundreds of people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.
He's saying:
- You're all in my power...you're all in my power..
Fifteen hundred people are going:
- Oooo...
He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when he accidentally drops the watch.
He says:
- Shit.
It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.
A guy says to a salesgirl:
- I want to buy some toilet paper.
She says:
- What color?
He says:
- Just give me white. I'll color it myself.
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.
The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says:
- Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?
