Newest jokes

- Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.

- Guest: I'll make my own bed.

- Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. Murphy says:

- Paddy,

- I've got a problem.

- What's the matter? - replies Paddy.

- Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges.

- What's the picture of? - asks Paddy.

- It's of a big cockerel - Murphy replies.

Paddy says:

- Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look.

He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.

- Oh thanks for coming Paddy.

He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says:

- For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet.

A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona." The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

- My mother-in-law just tried to run me over! - the shaken man told the cop.

- The car hit you from behind - the officer said.

- How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?

- I recognized the laugh! - he replied.

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said:

- Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?

I said:

- Fire and theft.

Insurance agent frowned:

- Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

- WOW! - was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- 10 pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said:

- Just had him circumcised!

A guy calls the hospital. He says:

- You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!

The nurse says:

- Calm down. Is this her first child?

He says:

- No! This is her husband!

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

- No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes - he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

- Here - she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes.

- I found them in the hallway.

- Now - she said,

- if only I could find my gerbil.

A woman went to the bar with a black eye.

- How'd ya get that? - asked the bartender.

- From my husband - she replied.

- But I thought he was out of town? - he asked.

- So did I! - she said.