Newest jokes

Man in a pub:

- If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone? - Other man, - Bloody hell, no!

First man:

- Want to come camping?

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

- Where do you live? - asked the operator.

Bubba replied:

- At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

The operator asked:

- Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said:

- How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.

- Can I see your license and registration, bub? - the cop inquired.

- But officer, - the fellow started, - I can explain...

- Shut yer trap, bub! - snapped the officer.

- You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back.

- But, officer, I think you really should know...

- And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it, - shot back the sap in the cell.

- I'm the groom.

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.

Santa declined, saying:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.

- OH Santa, won't you please stay? - she begged.

Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable:

- Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?

With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly:

- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.

And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.

- Santa! You decided to stay! - she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said:

- Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system:

- Listen to the sound of my voice... - he kept repeating,

- the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice...

Pretty soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced:

- I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone

And then he repeated the words:

- the sound of my voice... every word is a command.

As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled:

- SHIT!

- What happened? - asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

- Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.

- And did you manage to see what the sign said this time? - asked the visitor.

- Yes.

- What did it say?

- Don't stand up in the car!

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says:

- Vietnam, 1969.

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says:

- Dog shit, 20 feet back.

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.

He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance:

- Would you like to dance with me? - he asked.

She replied:

- Would I! - and he sneered and told her:

- BIG NOSE!

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says:

- Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:

- Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying.

- No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ...