This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.
- That's ridiculous! - he shouted at the pool manager.
- Everybody does it, you know.
- That may be so - came the reply,
- but usually not from the diving board.
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
- Shit - said the first bloke,
- as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!
- What's the rush? - his mate asked.
- The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me - the bloke replied.
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:
- Sir! Please stop that immediately.
- Certainly, madame - replies the waiter with a bow,
- which way was it headed?
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
- It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell! - said the boy.
- Oh, shit! - said the farmer.
- You've shot the wife!
This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly:
- cough drops and snickered.
Just then the cop approached the old gal and said:
- What are you doing here, m'am?
The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied:
- Well, I can suck em can't I?
The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father:
- I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth.
Mr. Jones cries:
- My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?
The doctor says:
- Use it as a rake?
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says:
- Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky."
