Newest jokes

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes, - she says.

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities.

- That's right, - says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asks.

- Yes, - says the woman.

- you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer.

- That's right, - replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her:

- Do you know what I'm doing now?

- Yes, - she says.

- You're getting herpes.

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

- Doctor, Doctor, - she called.

- I saw some movement!

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

- Well this is good news, - said the Doctor.

- I think we should call her husband and let him know.

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

- I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex, - he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

- Oops, - he said.

- I think I choked her.

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered:

- When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said:

- When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player.

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked:

- I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?

- They're never going to let me out of here, - the patient said.

- I'm f**king nuts!

Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much better since his operation, but couldn't account for the enormous bump on the back of his head.

- Oh, that, - chuckled Mrs. Horntoot.

- Just before your operation they suddenly ran out of ether!

A guy walks into his doctor and says:

- Doc, you gotta help me, I can't remember anything!

The doc asks:

- How long have you had this problem?

The guy says:

- What problem?

- Doctor, - the embarrassed man said.

- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas, - the medic said.

- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.

The doctor took the husband aside.

- You're in perfect health, - he said.

- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.

- Mr. Chilton, - the analyst said.

- I think this will be your last visit.

- Does that mean I'm cured? - he asked.

- For all practical purposes, yes, - she said.

- I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.

- Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.

- You've paid my fee, - the doctor said.

- That's the only responsibility you have.

- I know, - Chilton said.

- But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?

- Well, - the doctor said.

- I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television.

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.

The man replied:

- Well, at least I don't have cancer

Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life.

Hiram says:

- My God. What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead.

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
→ To knock the penises off the smart ones.