Newest jokes

There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour late for an operation.

A doctor fell into a well once.

He learned to tend to the sick and leave the well alone.

A Psychiatrist is just a Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood.

"...clamp...sponge...scalpel...oops..."

So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.

But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives him another six months.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

- A man and a woman making love in a park - the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

- A man and a woman making love in a boat.

He holds up the third picture.

- A man and a woman making love at the beach.

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says:

- It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.

And the man replies:

- Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures.

Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?
→ A dead epileptic.

Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says: "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, 'please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You god damn bitch, you ruined my life.'"

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- L: ?eh?

- D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- L: ?? EH??

- D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:

- Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

- That is very kind of you - said the doctor emotionally, and then added:

- Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...